Love & Relationships

Yes, More Relationship Talk | “Why Do We Settle?”

  1. You ever had a taste for Thai food, but instead decided to settle for a cold sandwich? And all while you are eating this cold sandwich. You are secretly wishing you had gotten that Thai food you so desperately desired.


It’s that one thing that we are all guilty of. Whether it’s our careers, friendships and intimate partnerships. We have a tendency to settle. And we all have done that from one time to another.

No matter what it is, why do we feel that it is ok to settle for less than what we really want? Why are we so comfortable with the state of being complacent in any area of our lives? Whether it be what we want to eat for lunch, applying for that higher paying job, or even who we decide to build intimate relationships with.

Now I get there are times I’m life when we take what we can get until better can be done, such as in our careers. Maybe you’ve been unemployed for a while. Bills are piling up, and kids need new cloths. I get it, and I have been there. You may move into an apartment that you don’t love, but you need a place to stay and this place is within your price range. Or maybe even lunch. You settled for that cold sandwich, when you would have preferred Thai food. Maybe you weren’t in the mood to walk, or your pockets could not afford that Thai dish. I understand all of the above.

But what I don’t understand is settling when it comes to our relationships. There should never be a time in life where you are just taking what you think you can get. Most times people tend to settle in relationships because they are lonely, feel as if they can do no better, or they feel as though they have some sort of obligation to the other party.

The problem is when you just decide to stay in a place where you are not being fulfilled mentally, physically, emotional and spiritually, you do yourself more harm than good. You are not only not being fair to yourself. But you are also being unfair to the other party. And in situations like that, nobody ever wins.

The settler often tends to resent the other party, because they are forcing themselves to be in a place where they are not content. And the other party is being cheated because the settler is unable to give them what they deserve, their all.

It is best to only enter relationships for the right reasons alone. In order to do that, you must first be real with self. You must make it a point to know exactly what it is you really want, and be prepared to wait for it. Next never jump into a situation because the idea sounds good in the beginning. You have to think past the here and now. You also must make sure that the situation is everything that YOU wantand more. Never try to please someone else, without pleasing self first.

You owe self at least that much.



Toni  ?

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  • Tisha

    1000000% agree with this post! And when you don’t settle, people won’t to label yoj as arrogant or greedy, no, I’m simply getting what I deserve!
    Thanks for sharing!

  • Courtenay

    Great post. I especially like that you talk about not jumping onto an idea because of its beginning promise – it is very important to consider the mid and long term as well.

  • Kay

    Thank you for writing this! I can honestly admit that I was in this place in a past relationship. To be honest, I settled because it was easy and better than being alone. As soon as I stepped up my standards…I was being extra and asking for too much and I decided to never allow anyone to label me as such. I think it’s so important that we always go for what we deserve and don’t stop until we get just that

    • Toni Wiggins

      We have all been there. I was in that space as well in my last relationship. Never again I told myself. I was so unhappy. There is nothing wrong with placing self first.

  • Tomi C

    Luv this! *applause* I loathe complacency. There’s that uncertainty, that fear that being out of one’s comfort zone brings. This is true in all facets of our lives. We have got to challenge ourselves and stop settling but it’s so difficult and we have to get comfortable in the uncomfortable space. Arrogant? Nope. Opportunist? Nope. Focused and driven. Yes… and yes. #BLMGirl

    • Toni Wiggins

      Exactly! Like why is it not ok to put me first? Why is that considered a negative trait? Hell you better out you first sometimes if you want to happy. And stop being ok with just being ok

  • Yellowbonewonda

    I tell my friend this all the time. Now she’s in a sticky situation just because she settled. I stopped settling for awhile now. But this article definitely hit some buttons. Sometimes it’s easy to stay because you get familiar with the habits or fear of being alone. I definitely rather be alone if it’s a bad relationship. Very good read thanks for sharing.

  • Felecia Monique

    I am queen settler. Smh. Took me 28 year to decide I didn’t want to settle any more. I think we are brainwashed to believe that the best is yet the come so we take what we are delivered. Bullshit!!! You deserve the best right now. Don’t play yourself.

  • Saisha

    Yes yes and yes! I recently had a conversation with a friend about this settling. I think women in particular stay because there’s so many bad men and experiences that you’re willing to stay with a man you think loves you because you know his specific shortcomings versus leaving him for a new relationship with all new possibilities for pain.

  • Katherine S

    We settle when we try to take things into our own hands and try to push things through in our own time. I had sooo many bad relationships because I was just settling for being in one… Loved this 🙂 ‪#BLMGirl

  • Giselle

    Great post. I think one of my fears IS settling. I’ve been single for years now, and like you said I want to be fair to myself and the other person. I’ve waited this long, I’m not going to get into a relationship just to say I am in one. #BLMGirl

  • Eva

    So much truth! I remember when I wanted to go to a particular school, and was about to apply for a school that was cheaper and easier to get into. My husband asked me if I wanted to go to that school. When I told him no, he was like… why even apply? Why settle? Now that I have a degree from the school I always wanted to attend, I can see that settling is definitely for the birds. You want Thai? Get Thai…

  • Ty

    I think so many women settle, especially in their’s because they are so afraid of being alone but is being alone worse than being unhappy? I don’t think so!

  • Stacie

    True, we have all been there at some point in our lives. Whether a relationship, a job, etc. It’s important that we go with our first thought. Settling will never make us happy.

  • Kiwi

    You know why people settle? Peer pressure and other people in ones ears. People are looking at other people “happy” and then people are making them feel some type of way to be single. Listen settling, especially for a marriage to settle for a lover is depressing because that is your life. If you aren’t happy why would one “settle” just to have a mate…nope not my kind of happiness.

  • Nicole

    I think we settle for what we feel we are worth. Hence, we settle based off of our self-worth, fear of not being accepted, and our insecurities. All of these factors comprise a matter of lack of self-worth. If we learn to set standards and stick to them and understand that every interaction with anyone we come into contact with is simply an opportunity to learn about ourselves or others, I think we will get better at not settling and seeing things for how they are. If that mindset is accompanied by an increase in our self-esteem and self-worth, we will get better a making better choices.

  • Kita

    Settling is so easy to do when the person is familiar to you. I will be teaching my kids (son included) not to settle. They will stand on their own two feet before anything. Be the person you wish to be with in essence.

  • Kenya

    I think we have all settled at one time or another in different areas of life. A relationship is definitely not the place you want to settle. We have to wait for our time when it comes to that department (and all of them really) for things to work out, be fulfilling and to truly be happy. Great post!

  • Kim

    You are so right about not just jumping into a relationship and waiting for the right reasons. It is important to look ahead to see what you want and not what you’re getting right now from that relationship, too.

  • Tata

    I love that you wrote this it has been my philosophy in life not to settle for anything not a job, a man, or a house. I want what I want and how I want it and I quite frankly don’t care how anyone feels about it because it’s what I want. Thanks for this post.

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